Kem's Space

Some Bullshit!

2005-07-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

I had planned to spend my 29th birthday (was Thursday, July 21st) on a picnic with this new man-friend, sipping wine and soaking in sexy looks and compliments, instead I was on a plane finally coming back home from some ring of Hell! You see, I left town, by Jeep, with my mom, 2 uncles and an aunt last Saturday to get down to Mississippi for my great-grandmother's funeral. Things went bad before they really got started. You see I mentioned that I "flew" back rather than "drove back." I had to get the hell out of Dodge. There weren't coming leaving till today! Wuddn't know way...

Shortly after we arrived there on Sunday, our hotel rooms were bombarded by our "loving family" - the same relatives who claimed not any of the 12 of them had room for the 6 of us (including my grandmother) to stay over for the night or two we thought we'd be there; these are the same relatives that when asked to put in on for beer & chicken that night said they didn't have a dollar but ate and drank us dry; these are the same relatives who had not told my grandmother's brother that his mother died and they live right down there near him; these are same relatives who left us to find our way all the way out to the country to the actual funeral after we were ten minutes late meeting them at the funeral home (the service was almost over by the time we got all the way out there) AND they hadn't paid a dime for anything - my grandmother footed the bill; these are the same janky ass relatives who put my once-jazzy great-grandmother in a fuckin house coat for her burial while they sportin the latest Walmart fashions. I could go on and on but it wasn't just them who made *smh* when thinking about how they could be sio triflin. My uncles (the ones I rode down with) took the cake hands-down!

Alcohol is a helluva drug! Everybody just don't need to drink, especially when it's confirmed that they are alcoholics! My youngest uncle, who had just reached the 5 month sober mark, drank just about every liquid substance available to him. At the pinnacle of his HIGH, he ran around the hotel in his draws singing, "Hey Baby, Good Night Irene!" Who the fuck is Irene? And, what a damn QUEEN you are - is what I was thinking! There was no stopping him until he finally passed out - Thank Goodness! This, of course scared the shit out of the couple of husky, super manly cousins still hanging out that night. They don't see many "flames" in that town nor did they know they had one as a relative! (By the way, I'm not gay-bashing - just talking about my off the wall uncle)
The other one showed his ass too! In one episode - we were out in the woods one night, at a cookout with one of his many children that scattered nation wide - just about. What's interesting is that it doesn't take much for these two to get drunk - a few beers (maybe 5) gets them bent, but they don't stop. My uncle, trying to keep up with these country boys must have had about a 12 pack and some shots out there - gone, fuh real. But, instead of calling it a night - he convinced these boys to take him to the local juke joint before it closed at midnight. We all went and let's just say, we almost had to fight our way out because of his loud, wild ass!
I don't need to see them for a good minute.
So, the picnic the didn't happen. He took me out for a couple drinks and I went home and crashed. I slept most of the day yesterday until I stepped out for just a bit and haven't left the house today. My family wore me out, y'all! That was some real-live BULLSHIT down there and I couldn't be more happy to be back HOME!!

City Fees...WTF!

2005-07-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

What is the purpose of having to pay 75 m'fn dollas for a sticker that may take hell and high water to get off my window later? Today, I'm going to buy my city sticker (last day is tomorrow) and I'm not feeling good about it. Why do I need to have my car plastered with a scene from the city. I live in the city - so I don't need to see some so-called artistic perspective of its skyline of my car, the Grey Goose!
Everyday I ride down pothole-filled streets, see trashy alleys, and there is much crime here in the city. For other Chicagoans, did you hear about those 3 men that were shot execution-style over the weekend or that woman who was picked up by 2 men while walking from an 'L' Station and was raped and I think - killed afterwards?? Where the hell were the po-lice who will be out [in full force] giving tickets for cars without these high-priced stickers? Why weren't they really FIGHTING crime?? *smh*
So, what the fuck is my $75 for and then I gotta turn around and pay another $75 in August when my "plate sticker" expires! This city (read: Mayor Daley's corrupt ass) has been gettin over like a fat rat! Maybe I should move to the suburbs...

I Ain't Much for Lettin' Go - I Gotta Hold On...

2005-07-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

"These tears that I shed are the trails to bring you home." - Anthony Hamilton, 'Soulife' album

For all my independent woman talk [and I am independent] and got-to-get-out-the-boxes proclamations, I can't help the way I feel for him. With him, I can't seem to let go. I just keep on holdin on when I know I should run the hell away. It's just that, with him, I smile so much my cheeks hurt. I laugh so much, I get high from the endorphines. I "feel" so deep, I'm rushing in waves! Ooh, this man. *eyes closing, as I smh*

But, it ain't right, y'all. I can't really "have" him now. Maybe in another life - one that we started years ago but was stopped short by my fears of letting him "in." In the stolen moments, though, he feels like my favorite blanky from childhood - tattered, used, but so damn comfortable and familiar. Only with him, have I ever dropped present/pending plans in a moment's notice of his call! Believe it or not, it ain't just the sex - I've had way better. LOL!

He caresses me from the inside-out. I tell myself, "Just wait till you meet a man who does this and will be with only you..." Then, I say, I'd let him go and stop holding on. I'd quell these tears that had semi-consciously become a sort of hopeless trail to bring him all the way to me.

Hell to the No...

2005-07-07T22:58:00.000-07:00

SAY NO TO CRACK ROCKS! Crack kills y'all! LOL!

As a frail, head/wig-scarfed Whitney Houston was approached by an adoring fan, asking to take a picture with her or to at least get a chance to shake her hand - the cracked-out, washed-up, ever-ghetto Ms. Houston responded with, "Hell to the no!" She even threatened bodily harm to one woman asking to shake the hand of her alcoholic, rock-smokin' husband - oops, my bad: the "King of R & B." WTF?!

Remember when the heffa lied on 20/20 a while back, saying the now-popular line, "Crack is Whack!" Well, I witnessed that Crack is Where It's At with these people. In their latest real life dramatic but probably unintentional display of the perils of drugs, Bobby and Whitney are truly clownin on 'Being Bobby Brown'. I mean this has got to be one of the most troubling displays of drunken, ghetto love! Yes, y'all they look just about as bad, if not worse than Gator (Samuel L.) and Halle in 'Jungle Fever'! A damn mess! Just messy!
The most unfortunate part to me is that their daughter is getting shafted in the meantime. If they closed one more door in that chile's face tonight, I was gon try real hard to go through the tv to slap 'em. Ain't no tellin what they were doing all those times in the closed-door rooms. My guess is smokin that rock! Their poor, overweight, messy-head daughter is just stuck. Why drag yo chile into your madness? Do bad by yo self, if that's where you at in life. Ya know? I can see Bobbi Kristina following right in her parent's footsteps. That'll be yet another one "forced" to bite the dust...

Say no to crack, y'all! Crack kills...brain cells, family bonds, career prospects, bank accounts, properties, hearts, and spirits. Just watch this tv show or walk around on 47th/Cottage in the Chi to see what I mean.

How You Gon' Still Talk to This Chick??

2005-07-06T21:47:00.000-07:00

Kyla had her going-away party at the Lounge on Friday night. A long-time, but semi-estranged girl friend of mine met me there. We haven't really been close over the last couple years. We've talked and lunched here and there but nothing major - like how we used to get down. We used to set it off at the club and just hang doing whatever. Granted age, maturity and less party time affected some of that clubbin and hangin, but we were gonna take it back to "the day" on Friday. You know try to rekindle some of the energy and body-jacking/gyrating of nights at Elbow Room, Otis', old Red Dog, Exedus, and the Warehouse. Back then we used to drink 40s and flame a lil herbal essences before gettin in the club. Now, that was a long time ago, but my point is that me and my dawg were supposed to take off the mental stress of the days of our lives, let our hair down (or pick out my 'fro) and dance till we sweat the "ugly sweat."

This was our unspoken plan until Sasha walked in with Lori, her loud and super Ebonics-injected friend from work. I smiled and gave the let-us-get-a-drink-right-now-, so-I-don't-ask-aloud-why-she-brought-this-chick wave toward the bar. After several lemon drop shots and vodka cocktails between the 3 of us, Lori started askin', "Where da fine niggas at?" The music in my head stopped - not because Lori used a word that many Black folk use toward one another for whatever reason, but because she's a white girl saying this in a sea of Black folk! I'm thinkin' she's tryin to get a beat down, but to not cause a scene, I calmly whispered that she bet not say that again. She didn't seem to catch my drift about WHY I said that, which was apparent when she went on to say, "I luv dem big dick niggas."

Cut to, me tellin' Sasha she betta take her girl and let her know she is not being "cool" right now. She need to chill. Sasha said "something" to her and came back telling me, "But she doesn't mean any harm. That's my girl." Her girl, huh? Her identity crisis-stricken girl who can't use the argument of growing up in the inner city and getting attached to certain words/phrasings. I said, "Whatever," as I danced away to Common's "They say what's happenin', we say the facts and then they lie..." I was done. 'F' it!

So, that's her girl - she said, right? At 1am, on my moderate, careful but slightly hazy ride to the crib - ring a ding - I get a call. Who is it? Sasha. Even after hanging out of "her girl" Lori's car window to vomit several times, Lori detoured to another club. Sasha said "her girl" told her if she didn't want to be there, she could leave! Leave? Alone, at 1am! As God puts us where we need to be, it turns out that I was just minutes from that club at that point. I picked her up outside, still vomiting, as Lori was on her way out to "check on" Sasha. I spewed out a few, "You triflin..." and we drove off. Mind you, Sasha is not too close to my crib. So, it was not exactly "convenient" but I wasn't gon leave her stranded! You know.

Out of all of that - the killer is that while talking to Sasha on the ride home from work today, she told me she was on her way to meet up with....

Yep, that good "friend" - "her girl" Lori. She said Lori was just trippin that night and that they made an agreement that things wouldn't go down like that again. I'm thinkin', "Which part wouldn't go down again?!" As y'all say, I'm *smh*. I didn't know Sasha, my old buddy had become so oblivious/accepting of bullshit and seemingly desperate for new "friends." I felt like I was talking to someone in high school - maybe even grade school - who's going through hell & high water to be with the "cool" kids! Dayum! *still smh*

Guess Who!

2005-07-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me again!

Hey y'all, after meeting up with quite a few bloggers over the July 4th weekend, I was urged to give this blogging a try ONE MO' 'GIN! LOL! Everybody was so cool and if I could remember all of the names I would send you greetings. It was all love! And, which ever team got Kelz's ass off the card table - I thank you, personally! LOL! That man talks more shit than a lil bit and it was just too bad I had to bounce. I would love to have been on the winning team that beat his butt! LOL!

But, seriously, Kelz I hoped you enjoyed your early birthday. The comaraderie shared with people that I've either only met once before and the completely new faces put me in a warm place. Fuh Real - made me think that world ain't so bad after all, huh? LOL!

I better get back to the grind. I gotta see watch this idiot done did over here (Sun, remember the fool I told you about? He been messin up left and right this week, so far. The long weekend made him worse! LOL). I will be back later - might have some things I wanna discuss.

I Get Out...

2005-05-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

"I get out, I get out of all your boxes. I get out, you can't hold me in these chains. I'll get out, Father free me from this bondage. Knowin' my condition - Is the reason I must change..."
- Lauryn Hill 'Unplugged'

Quite a few bloggers have been talking about personal growth and change, setting new goals and buidling on their inner strength to succeed at whatever they desire. So, I thought I'd throw in my last two-cents on the topic.

Like Lauryn's song, I'm gettin out of all these dayum boxes. These are the boxes built by others' perceptions and beliefs about how I should live my life, about what my pathway should look like, about who I should be with, about where I should live, about how much money I should make/spend, about how much I should weigh, about how I should wear my hair, even about how much I should smile to strangers (heard that at work a long time ago).

So, I get out of my parents' box, my friends' box, society's box - everyone's box of locks not really designed with me in mind. Although others may make good examples for me or offer me great insight for building new ways of seeing some situations, they can't make me over. They can't bear my cross. They can't unlock the psychological locks that may have had me gripped in fear and complacency. Like my boy Kelz said earlier, the only One who can change me or move me is Me - the true me - the God in me. (reflecting on my to-do list right now...)

"Just Do Me..."

2005-05-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

Today I came back to the realization that I need to "just do me." I mean, why should I be waiting for other people to make plans with me before I decide to check out a new movie, hit up a club, go to an open mic or a concert, or even to take a trip outta town somewhere?! That's what I've been doing...waiting. And, if those invited folks couldn't join me, I would actually say "Fuck it!" and not go! How stupid!

Just the other day, my girl Tai was telling me about her solo outings to the ballet or even her favorite reggae spot. She had never even talk about those times with herself. She said those were some of her most fun nights out.

As I'm getting older, 30 will be here in just one more year - I figure I'd better get more into life. I'd better get even more comfortable with enjoying my own time. I've got that down a bit, but I need to get it down pat! I won't be waiting on some man or one of my buddies to either ask me out or take the bait when I put out an invite. Let me tell you I've spent some Friday nights in a downright funk because I was "date-less." No More, I say... :-)

The launch date of my "Just Do Me" project will be this Friday. I'm going to the movies to see 'Crash' - a new film with Don Cheadle, Ludacris (they say the boy can act), Sandra Bullock and bunch of others about the realities of race in our everyday lives. The previews look very good. If all goes well, I'll be going to a few upcoming concerts, as well. Common, Vivian Green and Meshell Ndegeocello.
I'm confident this new plan will put me on a whole new path! "A whole new world...a new horizon shining through..." - what movie was this song from?? I think Peabo Bryson sang it. LOL!

Oh, by the way y'all, I didn't cross over into the Land of Acrylica! I didn't get the fake nails yesterday. I'm scheduled for a manicure on Saturday - for spa day with my mom. :-)

The Final Frontier...

2005-05-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

Against my usual better judgement and my quest to be mostly au-naturel (talking about my nappy 'fro), I'm crossing that line into a land where oddly enough the bourgeois and chicken-heads co-exhist. After looking at my [as of late] unattractive finger nails (crusty cuticles and peeling nails just ain't cute), I'm getting some fake ones TO-DAY! I didn't think I would go back there since the last venture about 4 years ago. I mean, they can ruin your nails. They look awful if you don't get your fill-ins on time and most obviously, they are FAKE and it ain't hard for folk to tell!
However, my girl is cold at her craft of nail-o-logy. It's also going for the can't beat it price of FREE! So, I'm gon' give 'em a try. I don't think I 'll get them super - can't properly function long. I just want a short, natural as possible look. With the right length, shape, and single color (no outrageous designs for me please, so I'm not getttin "My Boo" across one hand), they can be very cute. I'll let y'all know how they turn out or if I check myself and just get a regular old manicure. LOL!

(Disclaimer: this is, in no way, meant to offend any current or potential artificial nail wearers.)

I'm Back!

2005-05-02T03:23:00.000-07:00

Much love goes out to the Chicago Bloggers from D&B Friday night! Y'all had me laughing from the moment I arrived till the time we stood out front, debating on where to go next to keep on drinking! It' s amazing how you can meet "strangers" who by the end of the night feel like old friends. We gots to make sure we hook up again BEFORE the July festivities!

I promised y'all I would get on here and blog, no matter what. We already began discussing quite a few topics I had on my mind. Now, I know somebody would read them! LOL!

So, until next time [which will be this week!] - HOLLA! Love, Peace, Soooooul...

Sunshower...

2005-03-28T10:31:00.000-08:00

"Sunshower is the sign of the power,
Of lovin you,
Oh, baby,
Sunshower caught me by the hour,
Of wanting to you,
Oh, baby..."
----Dr. Buzzard's Savannah Band

I woke up to the beautiful glow of the sun and I finally realized Spring is Here. With the spring, usually comes prospects of new love - or so I hope. It's time for some spring cleaning! I need to get rid these old, tired buzzards (also called men) and make way for he, who could possibly be the "one." Right? Well, that's the plan, anyway.
This past weekend, I looked over my love life and actually fell to tears! To tears! I'm wasting my time on this man! This situation is gonna go no where and it's moving there pretty fast. He's sweet and kind and attentive, but he just ain't the one - for me. I think I saw this from the beginning but just had to see if the blaring fact would go away. Of course, it hasn't. And, that reality was burned into me like a sunshower to a flower. I had gotten so caught up in wanting to be in love and wanting to be wanted that I didn't see the forest for the trees.

Listening to this song, somehow, woke me up to see where I am and where I want to be - in love and ultimately, life. For me, this new Sunshower is the Sign of My Power. :-)

Living in Her Own World... A Real Life Fantasy Girl

2005-03-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

Last night I was on the phone with a new buddy that I met through one of my boys. She's cool - on the real. She's cool in that, "Hey, girl we all going out for drinks, wanna join us for some laughs" kinda cool NOT the "Hey, girl what's really going on in your life right now" kinda cool.

From day one, I had this feeling that she had a "story" maybe several of them.
Before we met, my boy gave me a heads-up on some things, like the fact that she embellishes (okay, flat-out lies) about her life and the goings-on. For example, the public story is that she is a model, making "good" money, living in a nice crib in a nice part of town and traveling all over. Turns out the reality is that she works part-time for an art group, makes very little, lives with moms and goes down South [to see her cousins] every summer. Pssh! LOL!

He also said she's always looking for someone to invite to her latest pity party. So I'm thinking, "Let me just keep a nice distance then and only talk to her socially for parties or get-togethers - cuz the girl is truly funny."

Anyway, she calls me last night with this heaviness in her voice. She didn't explain it and I didn't really acknowledge it for a few minutes. Then, she unloaded on me. She said she had just had a horrible day and that people in her life are using her. I bit the line and asked, "What happened? Who's using you?" She tells me her mom is treating her like a chauffeur and not giving her gas money, but I'm like [in my head], "It's your momma's ride!" Then she said some of her friends are starting to use her for money because she is doing so well (her words) but messed then she messed herself up in the very next sentence when she said she wishes she could afford to get even a STUDIO apartment of her own because she's too old (32) to be living by mom's rules! WTF! Talk about inconsistent or is that an early sign of some other issues!? LOL!

After about 15 minutes of this rambling of hers, I was trying to get off the phone, but she stopped me wanting to ask me a little bit about school. I told her where I went, my degree major and type and what I do now. She went on to say she was asking because she is planning to go back to school this year to complete a BA in psych and later become a sex therapist. I asked why a sex therapist and she said because she is a freak and wants to help others! Clueless! So not intending to burst this girl's bubble, I asked her if she knew that to do well in the world of psych she would most likely need a Ph.D. in psych and that sex therapy ain't all what you see on tv [with Dr. Ruth, that old lady on Oxygen or even a Dr. Phil type). There's a whole lot of work involved and it ain't all fun! [A college friend of mine just got her Ph.D. and she said it's a rough ass road.] This girl tells me she'll knock it out in a couple years. A couple years??? To complete her BA is gonna take her another 3, alone! So, it's obvious that she was either lying about this whole thing, can't do simple math or doesn't really have a plan at 32! Why lie and front?? I think I asked that same question in my post about that high school classmate I ran into. What is with some people??

Hidden Racism...

2005-03-23T10:27:00.000-08:00

Regardless of your personal feelings about the Schiavo case (to keep the tube or remove the tube), which is a pressing matter to the familial parties involved (familial, right - so why is Bush involved but that's for another blog) - why is it making Top Story everyday when a 16 year old boy (16!) just went on a shooting rampage? I'm thinking it's because his killings were on an Indian Reservation that the media is not taking as much of an interest.

This sick, misguided (understatement here, no doubt) child killed his grandfather, his grandfather's girlfriend, a security guard, a teacher and 5 students! When this sort of thing went down in lily-white Columbine, you couldn't get even get so much as a weather report on the news for there being constant coverage of that event! WTF! This shows people of color and of a lower socioeconomic standing are viewed as discardable, negligible Things not part of the human community, at-large. This shit makes my stomach turn, but it just goes to show - many things just ain't changed! Keep your eyes open....

How does this thing work?

2005-03-22T22:15:00.000-08:00

I just can't seem to get the damn hang of this blogging stuff! I'm not ever sure of what to write plus I don't really know how to navigate this blogger site too well. When I browse other pages from this site, they all have linked pages on theirs and other lil areas. What am I missin'? Do you really have to be super computer savvy to get the hang of this?? KC, I need your help!

I'm Hungry...

2005-03-22T09:44:00.000-08:00

I just eat and eat and eat sometimes. I feel hungry all the time! All the damn time! As a result, I recently joined a Curves gym. After reorganizing my diet (watching what I eat and when), I've come to realize that food isn't really what I'm hungry for. It's a cover-up, like a security blanket even - I feel like Linus from Charlie Brown.
I've realized my spirit is hungry - to be enlightened, motivated, inspired, energized.... Some days I feel like I'm just existing, not really living. I get up at 5:30 or 6 every morning (M-F), shower, get dressed, go to work, do the job, workout some days and then head for home. Once home, I cook dinner, watch tv and may talk on the phone (usually I'm not in the mood, though). This kind of routine can go on for days, weeks even months! Not exciting to me! I kinda feel like I'm missing something. Like I missed the mark and have been relegated to boredom and disenchantment, like yesterday.
Don't get me wrong, now. I'm not in the pity party stage. I'm not a person without joy and I don't feel hopeless. I ain't on the edge of slitting my wrists, believe me. I know full well that I can change my situation and control/change how I react to certain circumstances or even how I think about them. I know this, but on those slow evenings or those lonely nights (I'm so single) when I'm semi-consciously snacking and snacking and snacking some more - I see that no matter how much physical food I ingest it can't fill me up.

Aaaiihh - My Aching Head!

2005-03-17T14:42:00.000-08:00

I think I must have the worst headache today! Yesterday, my doctor diagnosed me with yet a sinus infection. My head feels like it's swimming and running smack dab into boulders! Ever had pain in your face (no, not from lookin' at some oogly person! LOL!)Ooh! But, I'm a trooper - I made it to work. Turns out, 3 other people called in today, so today would have been a BAD day to call off if I wasn't half-dying. I guess...:-) They miss me tomorrow, though, if I'm feeling the same. Being in my warm, cozy bed sounds like pure bliss to me right now! Mmmmm....

Old "Friends"

2005-03-16T03:31:00.000-08:00

After a long, busy day at work yesterday all I wanted to do was pick up a corned beef sandwich from Sal's and go home, but as I stepped out of my car to run across the street I was stopped by Laree. We went to high school together and hadn't seen each other since just a few years after we graduating. Back in school, we hung out - a lot. She was my dawg! We had parties and sleep-overs together. I even met what was one of the great loves of my life, so far at one of our parties. We shared clothes, swapped stories and dreamed out-loud about our lives later on. This is how it was until I realized just how much of a phony (smiling in people's faces and dogging them later) and the other girls we kicked it with were then. Right then (to my own amazement as a HS student), I didn't care anymore about super-popular by hanging with the 'Ladies of YW' (our little clicque then). I wanted friends - the trustworthy kind.

At first, listening to how much she and the others are making now and that their married (saw the huge rock on the finger) with children and own homes and how she just bought a new Benz for her birthday, I was feeling a little like "Dayum, what the hell did I do wrong?" But, as we went on talking, she finally came out and said that most of their marriages (hers included) are not really happy ones - the kids (although they love them) get on their last good nerve, their parents put up part of the money for the down payments on their homes and that new car is a lease --- I was kind of laughing inside. I was laughing because they were still the same - phony and shallow. Why, after all this time, did she need to start off frontin'?

So, I got to thinking about all those friends I have not kept up with over the years. Sometimes, I've thought I was missing something. Sure, some of them may have me beat with their hefty paychecks, but I'm cool where I am and things are happening for me at my life's pace. I don't miss the superficiality of some of those old "friends." Although to some on the outside looking in, I may appear to be unable to maintain long-term relationships. To them, I'd say that I just can't put up with other's people's bullshyt for too long. When a relationship is no longer positive and progressive, I just don't see the point of it anymore.