Kem's Space

This is my space to express what goes on in my head, my heart, my life. Feel free to respond to what you may read here.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Some Bullshit!

I had planned to spend my 29th birthday (was Thursday, July 21st) on a picnic with this new man-friend, sipping wine and soaking in sexy looks and compliments, instead I was on a plane finally coming back home from some ring of Hell! You see, I left town, by Jeep, with my mom, 2 uncles and an aunt last Saturday to get down to Mississippi for my great-grandmother's funeral. Things went bad before they really got started. You see I mentioned that I "flew" back rather than "drove back." I had to get the hell out of Dodge. There weren't coming leaving till today! Wuddn't know way...

Shortly after we arrived there on Sunday, our hotel rooms were bombarded by our "loving family" - the same relatives who claimed not any of the 12 of them had room for the 6 of us (including my grandmother) to stay over for the night or two we thought we'd be there; these are the same relatives that when asked to put in on for beer & chicken that night said they didn't have a dollar but ate and drank us dry; these are the same relatives who had not told my grandmother's brother that his mother died and they live right down there near him; these are same relatives who left us to find our way all the way out to the country to the actual funeral after we were ten minutes late meeting them at the funeral home (the service was almost over by the time we got all the way out there) AND they hadn't paid a dime for anything - my grandmother footed the bill; these are the same janky ass relatives who put my once-jazzy great-grandmother in a fuckin house coat for her burial while they sportin the latest Walmart fashions. I could go on and on but it wasn't just them who made *smh* when thinking about how they could be sio triflin. My uncles (the ones I rode down with) took the cake hands-down!

Alcohol is a helluva drug! Everybody just don't need to drink, especially when it's confirmed that they are alcoholics! My youngest uncle, who had just reached the 5 month sober mark, drank just about every liquid substance available to him. At the pinnacle of his HIGH, he ran around the hotel in his draws singing, "Hey Baby, Good Night Irene!" Who the fuck is Irene? And, what a damn QUEEN you are - is what I was thinking! There was no stopping him until he finally passed out - Thank Goodness! This, of course scared the shit out of the couple of husky, super manly cousins still hanging out that night. They don't see many "flames" in that town nor did they know they had one as a relative! (By the way, I'm not gay-bashing - just talking about my off the wall uncle)
The other one showed his ass too! In one episode - we were out in the woods one night, at a cookout with one of his many children that scattered nation wide - just about. What's interesting is that it doesn't take much for these two to get drunk - a few beers (maybe 5) gets them bent, but they don't stop. My uncle, trying to keep up with these country boys must have had about a 12 pack and some shots out there - gone, fuh real. But, instead of calling it a night - he convinced these boys to take him to the local juke joint before it closed at midnight. We all went and let's just say, we almost had to fight our way out because of his loud, wild ass!
I don't need to see them for a good minute.
So, the picnic the didn't happen. He took me out for a couple drinks and I went home and crashed. I slept most of the day yesterday until I stepped out for just a bit and haven't left the house today. My family wore me out, y'all! That was some real-live BULLSHIT down there and I couldn't be more happy to be back HOME!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

City Fees...WTF!

What is the purpose of having to pay 75 m'fn dollas for a sticker that may take hell and high water to get off my window later? Today, I'm going to buy my city sticker (last day is tomorrow) and I'm not feeling good about it. Why do I need to have my car plastered with a scene from the city. I live in the city - so I don't need to see some so-called artistic perspective of its skyline of my car, the Grey Goose!
Everyday I ride down pothole-filled streets, see trashy alleys, and there is much crime here in the city. For other Chicagoans, did you hear about those 3 men that were shot execution-style over the weekend or that woman who was picked up by 2 men while walking from an 'L' Station and was raped and I think - killed afterwards?? Where the hell were the po-lice who will be out [in full force] giving tickets for cars without these high-priced stickers? Why weren't they really FIGHTING crime?? *smh*
So, what the fuck is my $75 for and then I gotta turn around and pay another $75 in August when my "plate sticker" expires! This city (read: Mayor Daley's corrupt ass) has been gettin over like a fat rat! Maybe I should move to the suburbs...

Friday, July 08, 2005

I Ain't Much for Lettin' Go - I Gotta Hold On...

"These tears that I shed are the trails to bring you home." - Anthony Hamilton, 'Soulife' album

For all my independent woman talk [and I am independent] and got-to-get-out-the-boxes proclamations, I can't help the way I feel for him. With him, I can't seem to let go. I just keep on holdin on when I know I should run the hell away. It's just that, with him, I smile so much my cheeks hurt. I laugh so much, I get high from the endorphines. I "feel" so deep, I'm rushing in waves! Ooh, this man. *eyes closing, as I smh*

But, it ain't right, y'all. I can't really "have" him now. Maybe in another life - one that we started years ago but was stopped short by my fears of letting him "in." In the stolen moments, though, he feels like my favorite blanky from childhood - tattered, used, but so damn comfortable and familiar. Only with him, have I ever dropped present/pending plans in a moment's notice of his call! Believe it or not, it ain't just the sex - I've had way better. LOL!

He caresses me from the inside-out. I tell myself, "Just wait till you meet a man who does this and will be with only you..." Then, I say, I'd let him go and stop holding on. I'd quell these tears that had semi-consciously become a sort of hopeless trail to bring him all the way to me.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Hell to the No...

SAY NO TO CRACK ROCKS! Crack kills y'all! LOL!

As a frail, head/wig-scarfed Whitney Houston was approached by an adoring fan, asking to take a picture with her or to at least get a chance to shake her hand - the cracked-out, washed-up, ever-ghetto Ms. Houston responded with, "Hell to the no!" She even threatened bodily harm to one woman asking to shake the hand of her alcoholic, rock-smokin' husband - oops, my bad: the "King of R & B." WTF?!

Remember when the heffa lied on 20/20 a while back, saying the now-popular line, "Crack is Whack!" Well, I witnessed that Crack is Where It's At with these people. In their latest real life dramatic but probably unintentional display of the perils of drugs, Bobby and Whitney are truly clownin on 'Being Bobby Brown'. I mean this has got to be one of the most troubling displays of drunken, ghetto love! Yes, y'all they look just about as bad, if not worse than Gator (Samuel L.) and Halle in 'Jungle Fever'! A damn mess! Just messy!
The most unfortunate part to me is that their daughter is getting shafted in the meantime. If they closed one more door in that chile's face tonight, I was gon try real hard to go through the tv to slap 'em. Ain't no tellin what they were doing all those times in the closed-door rooms. My guess is smokin that rock! Their poor, overweight, messy-head daughter is just stuck. Why drag yo chile into your madness? Do bad by yo self, if that's where you at in life. Ya know? I can see Bobbi Kristina following right in her parent's footsteps. That'll be yet another one "forced" to bite the dust...

Say no to crack, y'all! Crack kills...brain cells, family bonds, career prospects, bank accounts, properties, hearts, and spirits. Just watch this tv show or walk around on 47th/Cottage in the Chi to see what I mean.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

How You Gon' Still Talk to This Chick??

Kyla had her going-away party at the Lounge on Friday night. A long-time, but semi-estranged girl friend of mine met me there. We haven't really been close over the last couple years. We've talked and lunched here and there but nothing major - like how we used to get down. We used to set it off at the club and just hang doing whatever. Granted age, maturity and less party time affected some of that clubbin and hangin, but we were gonna take it back to "the day" on Friday. You know try to rekindle some of the energy and body-jacking/gyrating of nights at Elbow Room, Otis', old Red Dog, Exedus, and the Warehouse. Back then we used to drink 40s and flame a lil herbal essences before gettin in the club. Now, that was a long time ago, but my point is that me and my dawg were supposed to take off the mental stress of the days of our lives, let our hair down (or pick out my 'fro) and dance till we sweat the "ugly sweat."

This was our unspoken plan until Sasha walked in with Lori, her loud and super Ebonics-injected friend from work. I smiled and gave the let-us-get-a-drink-right-now-, so-I-don't-ask-aloud-why-she-brought-this-chick wave toward the bar. After several lemon drop shots and vodka cocktails between the 3 of us, Lori started askin', "Where da fine niggas at?" The music in my head stopped - not because Lori used a word that many Black folk use toward one another for whatever reason, but because she's a white girl saying this in a sea of Black folk! I'm thinkin' she's tryin to get a beat down, but to not cause a scene, I calmly whispered that she bet not say that again. She didn't seem to catch my drift about WHY I said that, which was apparent when she went on to say, "I luv dem big dick niggas."

Cut to, me tellin' Sasha she betta take her girl and let her know she is not being "cool" right now. She need to chill. Sasha said "something" to her and came back telling me, "But she doesn't mean any harm. That's my girl." Her girl, huh? Her identity crisis-stricken girl who can't use the argument of growing up in the inner city and getting attached to certain words/phrasings. I said, "Whatever," as I danced away to Common's "They say what's happenin', we say the facts and then they lie..." I was done. 'F' it!

So, that's her girl - she said, right? At 1am, on my moderate, careful but slightly hazy ride to the crib - ring a ding - I get a call. Who is it? Sasha. Even after hanging out of "her girl" Lori's car window to vomit several times, Lori detoured to another club. Sasha said "her girl" told her if she didn't want to be there, she could leave! Leave? Alone, at 1am! As God puts us where we need to be, it turns out that I was just minutes from that club at that point. I picked her up outside, still vomiting, as Lori was on her way out to "check on" Sasha. I spewed out a few, "You triflin..." and we drove off. Mind you, Sasha is not too close to my crib. So, it was not exactly "convenient" but I wasn't gon leave her stranded! You know.

Out of all of that - the killer is that while talking to Sasha on the ride home from work today, she told me she was on her way to meet up with....

Yep, that good "friend" - "her girl" Lori. She said Lori was just trippin that night and that they made an agreement that things wouldn't go down like that again. I'm thinkin', "Which part wouldn't go down again?!" As y'all say, I'm *smh*. I didn't know Sasha, my old buddy had become so oblivious/accepting of bullshit and seemingly desperate for new "friends." I felt like I was talking to someone in high school - maybe even grade school - who's going through hell & high water to be with the "cool" kids! Dayum! *still smh*

Guess Who!

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me again!

Hey y'all, after meeting up with quite a few bloggers over the July 4th weekend, I was urged to give this blogging a try ONE MO' 'GIN! LOL! Everybody was so cool and if I could remember all of the names I would send you greetings. It was all love! And, which ever team got Kelz's ass off the card table - I thank you, personally! LOL! That man talks more shit than a lil bit and it was just too bad I had to bounce. I would love to have been on the winning team that beat his butt! LOL!

But, seriously, Kelz I hoped you enjoyed your early birthday. The comaraderie shared with people that I've either only met once before and the completely new faces put me in a warm place. Fuh Real - made me think that world ain't so bad after all, huh? LOL!

I better get back to the grind. I gotta see watch this idiot done did over here (Sun, remember the fool I told you about? He been messin up left and right this week, so far. The long weekend made him worse! LOL). I will be back later - might have some things I wanna discuss.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I Get Out...

"I get out, I get out of all your boxes. I get out, you can't hold me in these chains. I'll get out, Father free me from this bondage. Knowin' my condition - Is the reason I must change..."
- Lauryn Hill 'Unplugged'

Quite a few bloggers have been talking about personal growth and change, setting new goals and buidling on their inner strength to succeed at whatever they desire. So, I thought I'd throw in my last two-cents on the topic.

Like Lauryn's song, I'm gettin out of all these dayum boxes. These are the boxes built by others' perceptions and beliefs about how I should live my life, about what my pathway should look like, about who I should be with, about where I should live, about how much money I should make/spend, about how much I should weigh, about how I should wear my hair, even about how much I should smile to strangers (heard that at work a long time ago).

So, I get out of my parents' box, my friends' box, society's box - everyone's box of locks not really designed with me in mind. Although others may make good examples for me or offer me great insight for building new ways of seeing some situations, they can't make me over. They can't bear my cross. They can't unlock the psychological locks that may have had me gripped in fear and complacency. Like my boy Kelz said earlier, the only One who can change me or move me is Me - the true me - the God in me. (reflecting on my to-do list right now...)

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

"Just Do Me..."

Today I came back to the realization that I need to "just do me." I mean, why should I be waiting for other people to make plans with me before I decide to check out a new movie, hit up a club, go to an open mic or a concert, or even to take a trip outta town somewhere?! That's what I've been doing...waiting. And, if those invited folks couldn't join me, I would actually say "Fuck it!" and not go! How stupid!

Just the other day, my girl Tai was telling me about her solo outings to the ballet or even her favorite reggae spot. She had never even talk about those times with herself. She said those were some of her most fun nights out.

As I'm getting older, 30 will be here in just one more year - I figure I'd better get more into life. I'd better get even more comfortable with enjoying my own time. I've got that down a bit, but I need to get it down pat! I won't be waiting on some man or one of my buddies to either ask me out or take the bait when I put out an invite. Let me tell you I've spent some Friday nights in a downright funk because I was "date-less." No More, I say... :-)

The launch date of my "Just Do Me" project will be this Friday. I'm going to the movies to see 'Crash' - a new film with Don Cheadle, Ludacris (they say the boy can act), Sandra Bullock and bunch of others about the realities of race in our everyday lives. The previews look very good. If all goes well, I'll be going to a few upcoming concerts, as well. Common, Vivian Green and Meshell Ndegeocello.
I'm confident this new plan will put me on a whole new path! "A whole new world...a new horizon shining through..." - what movie was this song from?? I think Peabo Bryson sang it. LOL!

Oh, by the way y'all, I didn't cross over into the Land of Acrylica! I didn't get the fake nails yesterday. I'm scheduled for a manicure on Saturday - for spa day with my mom. :-)